Black Families, Fear and Homeschooling

The Atlantic article 'The Rise of Homeschooling Among Black Families' took a cursory look into what I've experienced over the last 4 years.  What I'd like to see even more, is a look into why so many of us are not comfortable questioning the entire structure and wind up bringing a strict school at home philosophy into homeschool.  I did it too, so I'm not just finger pointing.
Following the Freedom to Grow Unschool for a while along with some African American unschoolers inspired me to feel more confident doing what I already knew in my gut was right.  What's interesting is the crazy imbalance of how many Black people are complaining about the state of schools, but refusing to try something different.
Too often we're running FROM something instead of TOWARDS our vision.  I din't leave the school system simply because of racism.  That's something we're not free from just because education doesn't happen in a brick & mortar school.  Have you looked at homeschool groups?  They can be just as segregated as the rest of our country.  We are able to insulate a tiny bit more, but it's still that dark cloud hanging over every time someone asks 'what do you/your husband do or where you live in that 'how can you afford it?' tone.
Instead I recognized that my son's unique gifts don't fit neatly into a box at most schools.  I thought about what I want him to know and feel as an adult.  The answer was confident, competent and curious.  (weird that really did just come into my head without thinking.  I've clearly had an addiction to alliteration for some time =) )
We're caught up in shoving as much knowledge down our children's throats as early as possible, then testing the hell out of it to make us feel good.  It's all coming from a place of fear rather than hope or presence in the now.  No one ever says I want little Johnny to be able to sit at his cubicle like a good employee and stifle every inspiration he has as long as he can recite some random facts.  That is precisely what we're training them to be though.  Tiny, stressed out little cubicle dwellers in training.
Success for me will be my kid being able to support himself, not feeling he has to recover from his childhood.  Learning doesn't stop once school ends.  If we teach children how to explore, think and analyze without tearing down their self-esteem I believe we would get much farther.
I want to raise a man who doesn't feel he is inferior to anyone.  How can I do that if the only thing he learns about our culture is slavery and civil rights struggle?  How can he know the world is his oyster if he only sees us pursuing a narrow set of interests based on what's acceptable for 'us' to like?
The next 'rise' I want to see among Black families is one of awareness and joy in being. Childhood isn't just a constant state of preparation and fear.  I'll do everything I can to prevent my son being the next one shot in the street, but in the meantime I'll let him just enjoy being a kid.

Internalized Racism and Shenehneh's Ass Crack

I had a couple of incidents lately that had me thinking about how I react to other people's behavior.  Specifically, why I was embarrassed by the lady that walked into a quiet salon talking loudly about waxing ass cracks, or the guy walking down the street with no shirt or pants too low.  The more I thought about it, I realized what I should really be upset about is what made me feel responsible for the behavior of all African-Americans. Ding ding, light bulb moment!  Respectability politics is really internalized racism.

The Akonadi Foundation Poster

 People come in all kinds.  I haven't heard George Clooney or Mike Huckabee admonishing Honey Boo Boo or the Duck Dynasty folks for embarrassing white people. Why do we allow ourselves to become the spokesperson for all people of color to folks to ignorant folks? If someone is willing to base their opinion of an entire group of people on what they see on a TV show or the behavior of one waitress, is it really going to change if I'm hyper vigilant about doing the 'right thing' all the time?  Nope, they'll just say you're different and not like 'those people'. 

We've got that realllll bad!  I get that it's years of being the only one in class, work, social situations that conditions us to think we have to represent an entire group with our behavior.  (Like when your mom tells you don't embarrass your family in public or at a friends house)  That's too much of a burden to bear.  And frankly, counter to our goals of really judging someone by the content of the character instead of their color. 

We've got middle class black people mad at reality shows, the rude fast food worker and how the next person wears their hair instead of their company's hiring practices.  We should be fighting for the right of people to be themselves regardless of their skin color or culture.  There are poor, ratchet, ignorant, stupid, petty, vain people in every group('race'). It's not up to us to fit a certain mold in order to prove we deserve to be treated equally.  We deserve it because we're HUMAN.  You can do everything 'right' and to those people it still won't matter.  So when I catch myself thinking 'Ugh, now why do they have to do that in public'  I'll give myself a little kick till I let go that thinking. 

PS.  10 points if you get the Martin reference in the title.  I know I'm getting old!

Still Wondering Why More Black People Don't Homeschool

I read a blog post ('3 Reasons Why African-Americans Don't Homeschool") I posted it on FB and heard crickets from my friends and a group of folks who are usually arguing about how bad the schools are. My family has gone back and forth between charter, private and homeschooling but one constant I find is most other African-Americans hesitance to homeschool.  My White or Latina friends are the ones who encouraged us to try to begin with. (I ran across an old message board post from a mom that told me she's is concerned about her white daughter, but there is absolutely NO WAY she would put an African-American boy in a public school with any other choice.  Wow!) Inside the community, when I met other Black homeschoolers they trended to the religious side, which is a whole other ball of wax for me.  What's wrong with secular education outside of public school?  That's one of those subjects where I've felt completely outside the circles.  Our social circle was mostly white people, but I'm not going to shy away when the conversation strays into racial/cultural topics. Makes for some awkward moments these days.  On the other hand explaining, 'Yes I totally believe in homeschooling, but I'm not going to your church or mosque...and my hair is just fine unlocked' isn't fun either.
With all the finger pointing we're doing, why aren't more African-Americans taking the reigns of their child's education?  In addition to the reasons the author pointed out I've heard I don't have the time, patience or money.  All of which are easily challenged.  We enrolled in Georgia Cyber Academy, which is an FREE online public charter school.  There I've met families where both parents work full time and school in the evenings or have a caregiver work with the student during the day.  There are families who qualify for free lunch so they get computers and printers to use dispelling the money excuse.  So in this day and age, what really is the excuse???
The more I read about unschooling, my thinking is going more and more towards the problems with education in itself.  The system teaches us to ignore our instincts and instead trust grade level standards of readiness.  We're taught to stay within the lines, discouraged from innovative problem solving and that if it can't be measured (by a standardized test) it isn't important.  If you don't realize you can easily step outside of the brick & mortar public school box,  you'll just sit there and complain...for years and years while our kids are growing up uninspired, illiterate and angry.  Complete trust in a broken paradigm has left us crippled to change it.

I don't think I'm smarter than the average person, better equipped than a trained teacher or more patient than most mothers; but I am the one who knows my little boy better than anyone else in this world.   When a teacher told me he didn't know his alphabet 3 years after he learned it; I knew that's not who I needed to hand my authority to  When we were told the solution to his reading 'below grade level' is to force feed something he loved doing until he hated it like most teenage boys, I knew that didn't feel right. When a teacher tells a student what they want to read is 'too hard' for them in front of others, I knew this system is not what I should entrust my child's emotional growth to.  Times have changed. My husband and I were both educated in public schools, but I feel it in my gut that it's not right for my child.
My college thesis was on cognitive dissonance and  hip hop lyrics.  I wondered how people resolved the dissonance of believing certain words in isolation were offensive, yet did not feel songs that contained them were offensive.  (I used the lyrics to 'Move, Bitch' by Ludacris in the research to date myself.) I got a little obsessed with the theory after all that work, but I see it in so many areas with African Americans.  We are just too willing to accept foolishness and adapt it as part of our culture.
Some of the biggest proponents (and detractors of charter or innovation in school systems) of public schools are African-Americans. That makes no sense. If you believe the educational system is a school to prison pipeline for Black boys, that ADHD is over diagnosed, that suspensions are handed out disproportionately, that the graduation rates are dismal... why are you fighting so hard to keep that system?

Inequality in Political Consulting Contracts

Roland Martin had some excellent commentary on how the Democratic party does not award a satisfactory amount of contracts to minority political consulting firms.  By satisfactory, meaning less than 3% when their constituency is 40% minority.  Shameful.  Once again we're good enough to accept money from and pander to, but not good enough for a seat at the table when the steak is served.

Why do we allow ourselves to be pimped by either side?  At a debate between the Democratic candidates for Georgia School Superintendent I attended one candidate commented that the other 'sided with the Republicans against her own party' (shudder) as if that's all that need to be said about her stance on the issues.  Since that obstructionist attitude has spread I guess we know why nothing gets done these days.  Compromise is the name of the game isn't it?  No permanent friends or enemies, remember?  If you're so staunch in your party allegiance, regardless of the consequences I don't believe you can be an effective public servant.  You can't serve two masters at the same time.  

All the allegiance to the Democrats has netted the African-American community what exactly?  As Roland pointed out it definitely isn't equal treatment.
It will be so nice when our work is valued for the work...not for being from a woman's or ethnic minorities perspective.

Empathy, Prejudice and Baby Carriers or Lessons from Baby K'tan on Appearing to Care

This blog post about the Baby K'tan carrier "Is Baby-Sling Photo a Slight to Black Women?" has had my attention all day. If you don't have time to read the post, basically there's a twitter backlash over these two boxes.  One depicting a seemingly White couple and the other a Black mother with no partner.  I didn't notice until I read the company's reply that that box was also priced lower as well.


I won't rehash the twitter rants because it's nothing new to the usual bitter tone of discussions around race and culture in our country these days.  You know the, 'yeah you're offended but who cares because of crime and unwed mothers BS'.

What struck me is the tone of the response from Baby K'tan.  For a company that sells baby carriers, which are usually associated with nice 'crunchy' folks, there sure was plenty of intolerance and lack of empathy I'd associate with big out of touch corporations.  
"We wholeheartedly reject any false, unfounded and baseless claims of discrimination as depicted in the above misrepresentation. We here at Baby K’tan fully support exposing any unfair and inaccurate stereotypes, racism and/or discrimination wherever it may exist."
Damn those are strong words. Wholeheartedly reject???  Can you reject another person's feelings?  That's a little insensitive don't you think?  I thought that was basic communication 101. Wow, how about acknowledging that your marketing may have offended a segment of your customers then apologize and do better in the future?!! I just love how they are so final in their response as if the defendant is judge and jury.  Well I guess if deep down you believe in your superiority and another group doesn't have a right to an opinion, you can do that.  What racist person/company has ever policed themselves and said 'Oh that was racist let me reevaluate,' without pressure from an outside source?
Big lesson to Black consumers:  Yet another company that doesn't give a what about your feelings.  Take your money elsewhere.  End of story.
Stop going back and forth trying to prove a point on comment sections, just stop buying.  People that refuse to hear you don't want to understand.  Guess what, there are plenty of people that do care, why worry about the few who are so committed to their ignorance?  

The problem is not that this may have been a 'misrepresentation' as they put it, but they did not even bother to try and empathize.  Baby K'tan maybe you do think you're inclusive, diverse and supportive of exposing stereotypes (what does that even mean?) but that requires that when you're the one perpetuating a stereotype and said group points it out; you might need to take a step back before blasting out an ill-prepared defense.  A crisis PR company  probably could have helped.  I doubt a professional crafted that statement.  
And another thing! Someone with dark skin is not necessarily African-American, especially in a diverse area like south Florida.  They may be West Indian, Brazilian, French...any number of nationalities. Hispanic people can be White or Black also. So methinks you doth protest too much. Get some cultural sensitivity training.  Take a minute to climb off your liberal faux colorblind horse and try to understand WHY all of this started instead of being so quick to dismiss.
We can never fix this if we can't have free discussions.  I firmly believe one day the dream will be realized, but I don't feel we have to shut up to achieve it.


Side note:
I got one of the carriers free back when my little munchkin was in an ad, and I NEVER used it.  There are just too many choices to sweat one product that just pays lip service to being inclusive.

Can We Let Fathers Be Happy For One Day?

Every Father's Day I see a discussion bubble up about wishing single mothers a 'Happy Father's Day'. My mother was single for much of my childhood so I'm no stranger to the struggle, but I let Dads have their day.  When I was younger I felt differently, but ever since having a child of my own I've stopped robbing men of their day.  Role models of both genders are important for children.  Just about everyone has a man in their life that has stepped in to fill a father role at some point in their lives.  Acknowledging their role does not diminish the work of a single mother.  On the contrary, taking another day to rail on an ex or father who was not present just poisons the well. Deadbeats are easy to spot and your kids know who is there for them 100% whether they tell you or not.  Focus on the positive men around us and let their lives inspire others who have some work to do on themselves.  Whether that man is a coach, step parent, uncle, mentor, teacher etc., they deserve to be congratulated and celebrated for their positive influence on young people.  My husband and I have lots of those.  So while I did not speak to my biological father, I did have several people to call yesterday but my mom wasn't one of them.

Who are you and what is a Cultural Cloverleaf?

I started this blog for more space to talk about issues important to me related to race, class, gender, motherhood, marriage and all the other topics swirling around in my head.  My Facebook posts were getting too long for my poor friends, but I realized it's important to get all that out somewhere.  

I decided on cloverleaf because it so often feels like I'm at the intersection of so many positions but never quite fit just one.  The cloverleaf on a highway is where both directions of travel enter and exit, forming a clover shape.  Sometimes you may realize you're going the wrong way and need to exit and turn around, perhaps you need to stop at the exit to rest or meet someone coming from the other direction before continuing on.  That resonates so much with the way I see life.  I'm in the middle of working outside and stay at home parenting, somewhat liberal but conservative sometimes on political issues.  I'm outspoken but quiet; a feminist that believes wholeheartedly in marriage, a proud Black woman who sees the grace of God in everyone regardless of cultural background.  A somewhat crunchy person who still enjoys hot dogs and hamburgers.  (real ones not just vegan, soy, bean whatevers) I've started to see what we commonly refer to as race is really just a cultural identity. Biologically we're all more similar than different. Our country has become so polarized it's hard to talk about that kinda stuff in any one group I'm a part of, but I'm sure there are plenty of others just like me out there. There you have it!  Welcome to The Cultural Cloverleaf.